The God-Awful Harry & Meghan Movie Trailer Just Dropped
It's happening! It's actually happening! And it's as saccharine and awful as we'd hoped!
Lifetime - the US cable channel famous for low budget cookie cutter movies - has just released the teaser trailer for their Prince Harry / Meghan Markle cash grab, and here it is!
For something only 20 seconds long, there's a lot to discuss. Quick, grab a Devonshire tea so we can do this properly. I'll wait.
M'okay. Let's start with the first shot of Meghan Markle (played by Parisa Fitz-Henley). Pretty good casting, but I think it just might be her straightened dark hair that makes me think that. Is that the key to doing a Princess Sparkle impression? Straighten your hair? Markle is an actress - I've heard stories of casting rooms in Hollywood full of tens of identical people, I wonder if they've ever been in the same audition together.
She implores Harry; "Tell me something real". What does that mean? Too late; moving on!
We get our first proper shot of Prince Harry (Murray Fraser). First impressions: he has a bigger forehead than the real Prince. This guy has some sort of fivehead.
"I don't need my life to be this perfect Royal picture. I just need you." Nawww... But there is a strange pause between "this" and "perfect" and on the first watch, I thought he was just saying "I don't need my life to be this" FULL STOP which would have been a pretty harsh thing to say to a lady as you kiss her in front of a fire under a gazebo. But then again, you are a Prince, so you actually probably don't.
Then he proposes. In the background, the arches and ceiling look really low - is she some sort of giant? If that's the case, how big must Harry be, she's only kinda looking downwards AND HE'S KNEELING!!!
Oh God, we're already halfway through. SADDDDD EMOJI.
Quick shot of them watching a nice sunset - I wanna say in Africa? But that might be because of the soundtrack of male voices makes it feel a little bit like the opening of the Lion King. But it definitely isn't.
And the last 3 shots ramp up the sex appeal. Fooling around on a bed, post-fooling around lying in each other's arms, and a Bay's Anatomy (a name I just made up for a Michael Bay / Grey's Anatomy mashup) shot of them kissing in the street.
AND I'M EXHAUSTED.
A total of 2 lines of dialogue in 9 shots over 20 seconds.
Imagine what kind of tripe they can trot out over 90 minutes!
Coming to Lifetime (which we don't get in Australia) in May.