The Bachelor In 60 Secs: Mean Girls' Fate Sealed By Candles
Not even gonna lie, going by the promos, I was stoked when my name landed on tonight’s episode roster of The Bachelor.
And good god did it deliver.
So. Get a massive cup of tea, because really, you're going to spill most of it.
The group date is at the pool. More specifically, a ‘swimming carnival’. Yay. Not exactly something any woman who has spent actual time and money on makeup and a straighter wants to hear but here we are.
Not only was Cass totally eyeballing Honey Badger’s “super tight boardies”, even Osher fell over himself with a not-even-casual objectification: “You’re like a butcher’s cabinet with hair on it, it’s like all meat”
So, clearly the early prediction is that Osher gets a rose.
OK, so this pool scene looks like something out of a Porky’s/Jaws crossover movie with not one ingrown hair in sight and I just can’t:
Just when the humiliation couldn’t get worse, Tennille and Emily were subjected to get into a Zorb ball and ‘race’ to the finish line. In skimpy bathers. Good god.
Emily wins the date, has a nice time, gets a rose.
Meanwhile back in the mansion, we’re introduced to Cat’s hipster glasses. I wonder if she sells them on her website.
She throws some low-key shade at Brooke, who I soon find out is referred to by Honey as his “little rhinoceros beetle”. Suddenly, I have a new standard in pet names.
Brooke heads off to another single date with Honey, where they have their portraits done by a guy who goes off description alone. So, a police sketch artist.
Back at the mansion, toxicity brews. Alisha, Cat and Romy discuss the “Tennille debacle” from the night before, where Tennille was so done with the nit-picking and gaslighting from Romy, she took off out of the entire mansion down the street before being coaxed back by a desperate producer.
Speaking of producers, the fourth wall was broken again with a faceless voice prompting the Mean Girls if there was “anything to add” or “is there anything you haven’t said?” before one of the women had the bright idea of giving an ultimatum - a producer’s wet dream of a suggestion.
Of course, the terrible idea was buoyed with a “yeah, do it!”
Then we hear “Are you gonna cry?” and “Oh, I don’t’ know. Do you think I should?” then an “I think it adds to it… he won’t send you home” and then “get to work, Cinderella”
Cut back to Brooke and Badger’s date where they look at the identikit pictures drawn of them. Let’s just say that if these pics were used as the real deal on the news, they wouldn’t be caught.
Honey let it slip that Brooke could make a good wife and that what he feels around her doesn’t have a word. It may not have a word, but I’m sure it’s done something to Brooke’s Sportsbet odds.
Toga Cocktail party time.
Far out, I want to go out for a drink with new-Brittany. What a unit.
Honey rocks up with one hundred per cent Apollo vibes.
After new-Brittany’s “grape time” zinger, Honey takes Tennille off “for a chat”.
We learn that “let’s have a chat” is code for “who’s being mean?” and uses candles named Cat, Romy and Alisha and divides the table into the “mean” and the “friendly” section before asking Tennille to put the candles in their right section.
In one go, she pushes all the candles into the “mean” section.
Honey ain’t happy.
He approaches Cat and explains the shit-stirry undercurrent isn’t on. Cat argues that she just speaks her mind and isn’t mean.
Honey says that stuff keeps happening in his “house of love” and that her name keeps coming up.
CAT STARTS CRYING.
Too late, she gets escorted to the car.
Osher arrives and informs the gals that Cat isn’t coming back. The Mean Girls blame Tennille. This is straight-up sociopathic.
Rose ceremony goes ahead…
Emily and the Little Rhino Beetle already have a rose, so let’s see who else snags one…
Alisha and new-Brittany get sent home.
Romy is offered the last rose… but doesn’t accept it.
Excuse me while I set my TV on fire.